Yesterday, we watched Ridley Scott's Kingdom of Heaven and, in spite of the director's angelic last name, it was terrible. The worst movie on earth. Maybe on Mars there are worse movies. Or maybe there is a worse piece of celluloid toilet-paper in the astral plane between heaven and earth, but this is the worst one here on terra firma, at least from 2005. I'd say it's a piece of rubbish, but that would be unfair to actual pieces of rubbish. Of course, I'm intentionally exaggerating in order to make a point. Do you get my point?
Here are just a few of the reasons I hated this film:
- It was boring. Too many anachronistic speeches given by agnostics about the supreme virtue of post-modernism: tolerance.
- Orlando Bloom was terrible. Never has a role been so poorly cast. He simply does not possess enough IT to pull this off. Liam Neeson could have done it. Russell Crowe would have been terrific. Even Stan Laurel would've done a better job. Sure, Orlando did fine as a fairy in The Lord of the Rings. But his only other cinematic claim to fame is that he was completely overshadowed by Keith Richards. . . oop, I mean Johnny Depp, as Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean.
- Kingdom of Heaven is supposed to be set during the period of the Crusades, but naturally, it is historically inaccurate in every scene. Just about the only accurate piece of information in the film is that there actually is a city named Jerusalem and people live there. Beyond that, it's pretty shaky as a historical drama.
- Ridley Scott has made a piece of propaganda, pure and simple. Christians are bad. Europeans are bad. Muslims are noble.
- Big Brother director employs double-speak and double-think. In real life, Muslim armies conquered and took Jerusalem from Christian inhabitants. In real life, Muslim armies attacked and conquered Spain and occupied it for 700 years. In real life, Muslim armies tried to invade France and were repelled by that nation's one and only military hero, Charles Martel. In real life, it is Muslim warriors who behead innocents. In real life, it is Islam which cries that it is no sin to kill infidels and martyrdom is a free ticket to paradise. But in the movie, everything is reversed.
- The anti-clericalism is so thick, I nearly gagged. What kind of parish priest says, "God has abandoned you." Or do we think the Patriarch of Jerusalem was so ignorant of Christian dogma that he would object to cremating human remains saying, "You can't do that. Then they won't be resurrected until Judgment Day." OK, I'm sure he would've opposed cremation, but not because he expected people to be resurrected before Judgment Day. Duh. Everyone will be resurrected on Judgment Day, cremated or ingested by maggots. I'm pretty sure that, no matter his flaws, he knew the Nicene Creed.
Thomas Madden, Crusades expert and chairman of the history department at St. Louis University has this to say at National Review Online. Sphere: Related Content
